


flowers for a ghost

by mellafluous



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Colt Deserved Better, Colt Stans I'm So Sorry For This, F/M, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28264707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellafluous/pseuds/mellafluous
Summary: "Promise you'll live for me."Colt nodded. One last time, he took her hand in his, giving it a light squeeze- and for the last time, Y/N thought about her dream. About her, Colt and Falco living together in a cottage away from the city, where they could all be happy.The look in Colt's eyes was one of pain and uncertainty as he said, "I promise."
Relationships: Colt Grice/Reader
Comments: 14
Kudos: 42





	flowers for a ghost

**Author's Note:**

> Once chapter 119 gets animated I am leaving. To where? Can't say. I will abandon everything just like Isayama abandoned my hopes and dreams, crushed my joy and killed all my favorite characters. BASTARD! 
> 
> Not sure how I feel abt this, but since I've already written it I think it's too late to do anything. Whew what a mess 💀 Oh well! 
> 
> Also, I think Colt is around Reiner's age, so for the sake of this oneshot let's pretend he's 19-20.

_"Honestly, I... I don't want Falco to inherit the Armored Titan."_

_She knew. Y/N knew that fully well, just like the other Warriors did. It would take an idiot not to notice Colt's disappointment whenever Falco beat Gabi during training._

_Colt leaned against the wall, sighing quietly. "I want him to live a long life. He's got so much ahead of him... I don't want him to end up like I did."_

_"You didn't have a choice," Y/N murmured, "and I doubt Falco will even become the next Warrior. After what Gabi did... it'd be hard to beat her now."_

_The blond glanced at her, and in that moment, despite what they were talking about and despite everything else that plagued both of their minds daily, Y/N felt herself falling in love all over again. How many times had she thought about it? What she and Colt could've had if it had not been for the world they lived in. If they were both born in another country, if only they didn't have this Eldian blood in their veins, if they weren't forced to train and train and train from such a young age, could she have married him? Maybe they could've had children. Lived in some cottage, away from the city. Y/N would've spent her evenings painting him. Falco could've been a happy kid. And Colt, Colt would've lived with the both of them until his very last days, until his skin turned wrinkly and his back hurt all the time._

_A silly little dream thought of by a silly little girl._

_"I guess you're right," Colt said, smiling ever so slightly. "At least, I really hope you are."_

_Y/N approached him just a tiny bit closer until there was barely any space left between them. Taking his hand in her own, she said in a hushed voice, "I'm always right."_

_And when he gently squeezed her hand, she felt as though maybe, just maybe, everything would be fine._

"Colt, please, just be careful."

The said man smiled softly, looking side to side to make sure no one was around- and then he kissed her, tenderly, just like he always did. 

"I'll be fine. We'll find Falco and Gabi, and once everything gets sorted out we'll head back home."

Y/N sighed. He made it sound so simple, so easy, as if nothing serious had even happened. As if he was reassuring himself that everything would be fine. 

"Alright. Pinky promise?" Y/N stuck out her pinky and, of course, Colt didn't hesitate to interlock it with his own. 

Hesitantly, she added, "promise you'll live for me."

Colt nodded. One last time, he took her hand in his, giving it a light squeeze- and for the last time, Y/N thought about her dream. About her, Colt and Falco living together in a cottage away from the city, where they could all be happy. 

The look in Colt's eyes was one of pain and uncertainty as he said, "I promise."

With that, the pair ran off to search for his little brother. 

_Y/N didn't know how long she'd been sitting like that - with Colt's head on her lap and her hand in his hair. Their meeting started off as usual. Colt rambled on and on about his worries, about Falco, Zeke, the Beast- and Y/N could only tell him to forget about it for just one evening. She didn't know how to comfort him any other way._

_There was nothing left to say. Whether or not Colt worried, he would still have to inherit the Beast Titan. Falco would still have to continue training, and Zeke would only cease to exist in a year or so. That's all there was to it._

_She was the first to speak. "Your hair's so short... there's barely anything for me to play with."_

_"I can grow it out if you'd like, though I'm not sure how I'll look."_

_Y/N smiled, trying to imagine Colt with longer hair. He'd look kind of strange, she figured... kind of like Willy Tybur- only if he were to have a short stubble, too, but that'd make him seem older than he actually is._

_"You're perfect as you are now," She murmured, "I like you more this way."_

_Colt gazed at her, eyes full of endless love and care. He looked like he could melt right then and there, in her arms- his face that of a lovesick boy. "Would you still like me if I looked any different?"_

_The answer came right away. "I would love you no matter what you looked like. As long as your heart is still the same, nothing else matters to me."_

_He froze. Colt was stunned, that much was obvious. His face reddened, and in a hopeless attempt to hide it, he turned away, mumbling, "what have I done to deserve you?"_

_Y/N would take full advantage of this. She rarely managed to make him blush (for that was_ always _Colt's job) and she would absolutely consider this a great achievement. The only time he did ever blush was, well, whenever he got drunk, but that didn't count._

_"You're the most loyal, caring and selfless person I know. If anything, you deserve more than the world can offer."_

_Colt didn't know what to say. For a while, he could only stare at the ceiling, having already given up on hiding his red face._ _I_ _t was only when she pulled her hand away that he sat up and embraced her tighter than ever before- as if he feared that she'd disappear if he let go._

_"Colt..?"_

_He did not answer. For a while, he couldn't bring himself to say anything, and Y/N didn't know why. She could only rub his back in hopes that it would somehow help soothe his pain, could only hold him, just as she always did._

_No amount of comforting words or compliments would ever help Colt feel better, Y/N knew that._

The four of them were finally together. Gabi and Falco were safe. At long last, they reunited... 

Though Y/N didn't know if she could celebrate yet. The battle outside was horrendous. Not only that, but the cloth wrapped around Falco's left arm, so similar to the armbands they usually wore served as a constant reminder that the boy was in grave danger. It would only take a scream from Zeke and all of them would be goners. 

The others knew it too. Gabi, who sat against the wall with teary eyes, Falco... and Colt, who, despite seemingly being calm, could not stop looking back at his younger brother with furrowed brows. 

"We should get going," said Colt after Falco's confession, "if Zeke knew you ingested the spinal fluid, that'd prevent him from screaming, maybe."

The others were all ready to go, but Y/N couldn't bring herself to stand up. She had a terrible feeling that this wouldn't end well. 

"No."

Colt stopped right in his tracks. "What?"

"We don't know if he'll listen. Do you think he will say, "yeah, sure, I'll wait five minutes" after betraying Marley?"

"We have to try. He was my mentor, maybe he..." 

There it was again. That look of uncertainty in his eyes. Y/N had a feeling Colt knew the truth - that Zeke didn't care about them in the slightest. So why did he still want to go? 

Colt added, voice a bit quieter than before. "Zeke has a younger brother too. Maybe he'll understand."

"Understand what?" Y/N clenched her fists, "Eren Yeager killed hundreds of people in Liberio. Zeke didn't care then. What makes you think he'll change his mind now?"

Gabi's and Falco's eyes were glued on her, and for a second, Y/N worried that she'd scared them. But how could Colt even think... how could he? How could he be so naive? There's no way Zeke would listen. Obviously, he never cared for them. He easily betrayed his comrades, friends, his _family._ The Warriors never mattered to him, Colt didn't matter to him, let alone his little brother. 

"Colt, you can't... you can't seriously think that this is a good idea." Y/N frowned, her tone a bit gentler than earlier. "I know how you feel about Zeke, but this is- this is serious. Let's just go to commander Magath and figure something out there."

He lowered his head and shut his eyes tightly- and Y/N knew full well what that meant. 

"I have to try."

Her face dropped at his words. She couldn't keep the tears from welling up in her eyes- the realization came to her immediately.

This wouldn't end well. Zeke would never let anyone get in his way, _especially_ them. 

Y/N shook her head, "you can't. Don't you dare. We'll find a horse or two and we'll get as far away as possible. That way Falco will be safe. You can't..."

Her attempt to change his mind was hopeless; no matter what, Colt would never listen. 

All he could offer was a hug. A pitiful and weak embrace to tell her that he and Falco both would be okay, and though Y/N doubted it, she had no other choice but to trust him. 

"Please be careful." _You stubborn bastard._

Colt replied with a steady "of course".

Y/N nodded at the young girl standing before her. "Let's go, Gabi."

_They sat in his room again, right beside one another on his bed, shoulders barely touching and hands only inches away from each other. And yet again, Colt rambled on and on about his worries._

_"I keep thinking..." the blond began, "if we didn't have to live like this, could we have been happy?"_

_Y_ _/N frowned. She knew the answer to that question, for she had pondered about it herself so many times. All that time that she'd spent with Colt was always accompanied by her silly little dream. Every day, Y/N asked herself whether she could've been happy- whether she could've been_ free. _Whether she could've had the freedom to choose where to live, who to marry, what to do, say... alas, but she had the misfortune of being born at the wrong place in the wrong family._

_"I'm terrible at giving advice, but speaking from personal experience, don't think about it. It will do you more harm than good."_

_"So you think about it too."_

_Y/N huffed. "You just always have to know everything, don't you?"_

_"It seems so."_

_Colt smiled sadly. He took her left hand in his, and for a while, he simply stared at it; inspected every finger, every line on her palm. Y/N couldn't help but to gaze at his face as he sat buried in his own thoughts. There was something similar to melancholy in his eyes- he looked as though he'd been reminded of a bad memory or had an epiphany of some sort. Whatever it was, Y/N wished she could wipe away his sadness and bring him all the joy she could possibly offer._

_Colt gently rubbed her calloused skin with his thumb, until his movements suddenly came to a stop._

_Y/N realized he was staring at her ring finger._

_Her breath hitched, her heartbeat quickened- was Colt thinking about_ that _..? Was this what he meant by being happy?_

_Colt must've felt her tense up, for he released her hand with a kiss to her knuckles and cleared his throat. "Sorry. I was so taken away by your beauty that I stopped functioning altogether."_

_Y/N shook her head, "no, it's just... is that your definition of being happy? Getting..."_

_The word couldn't come out of her mouth. Thank goodness Colt said it himself._

_"Married?" He chuckled awkwardly. Clearly Colt didn't predict that he'd be having this conversation with Y/N already. "I guess. I mean, I thought about it for a while, and I think it would've been nice."_

_Y/N buried her face in his shoulder as soon as she felt her cheeks begin to burn. She couldn't believe it. Colt wanted to marry her. As in, Colt Grice, the same Colt Grice she'd been head over heels in love with ever since she first met him- he wanted to marry her. That meant he thought about it the same way she did; every night, when he couldn't fall asleep. Every morning before meeting her and every evening, when they sat next to each other in his room or outside or..._

_Colt wanted to marry her because that was his definition of happiness - being with Y/N for the rest of his life._

_Damn Marley. Damn Eldians, everything... the dream that they shared would never be anything more than just a dream. Because of the world they lived in, it would forever remain a mere thought at the back of their heads; a thought that would keep them alive and fighting for as long as they could._

_"I wish I could marry you," The words came from her mouth before she could even stop herself. Y/N looked up, only to immediately regret it. He had that look on his face again - that heartbroken, pained look that crushed her in pieces. She shouldn't have said that! Y/N should've known better than to say silly things like that!_

_Even so, despite her worries, Colt still managed to find the strength to smile. Placing a small kiss on her nose, he said,_ _"maybe we could do it someday. Even if I inherit the Beast, we could still try."_

_"But once your term is over... then what?"_

_Colt gently cupped her cheeks, and Y/N involuntarily leaned against his touch. He was so close, so very close- she could kiss him, right then and there, and all the words they'd muttered would fade away. They'd forget about this conversation, forget about their shared dream, even if just for a little bit._

_She just couldn't do it though. Y/N had a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach and it kept growing bigger and bigger. She'd chosen to ignore it for days, weeks, maybe even months- Y/N figured it would just go away at some point, but it never did. Especially now, now that she knew about Colt's feelings- it hurt so much she could barely even sit still._

_But Colt's smile made it so much worse. The very fact that he remained hopeful- naive, even- was enough to make her weep. She couldn't imagine_ how _Colt managed to convince himself that things would be okay. If even Y/N knew better than to believe in her dream, how did Colt continue to do it?_

_And so, he said, "then you'll have to keep living. No matter what happens to me, you have to live. If time allows it, move on. Keep fighting until you've tired yourself completely. But don't ever dare to give up, for I swear I'll never forgive you for it."_

No, wait...

... this couldn't be. Why was Colt... 

"I don't think you'd be the type of person that would allow children to be involved so easily!"

Y/N could comprehend none of it. Zeke, who lied on the ground in his Titan form. Reiner and Eren Yeager fighting each other... and in the middle of it all, Colt - who desperately begged his mentor to spare his little brother. 

"I don't mean to tell you to just keep silent like that and die!" His voice grew louder, louder, and his grip on Falco's wrist tighter. "I only want you to wait until Falco gets out of the range for the scream to be effective!"

Y/N didn't know what he was thinking, what _Zeke_ was thinking. She had a feeling Colt would do something reckless, but to just walk up to Zeke like that...

"Falco! Colt!"

Her beloved didn't even hear Y/N call out their names. 

"After that you're free to kill each other as much as you like! The Marleyans and the Eldians can kill each other all they want!" 

Colt was nothing but desperate and helpless and _scared_ when he croaked, "but please don't involve my little brother!"

For a moment, it felt like time stood still. Y/N couldn't move or speak as she awaited Zeke's response. _She should be moving._ She should be running, taking Colt's hand and running as far away as possible- but Y/N could not force herself to do it. 

"Falco!" 

Gabi's voice brought her out of her trance. "Don't get too close, Gabi!"

She knew it. Deep down, Y/N knew that even if they ran for it, it would be useless. Falco would still turn into a Titan. They wouldn't manage to get far, but... maybe she could try to at least save Colt. She could take both Gabi and Colt and run away somewhere. To commander Magath, maybe. But Colt would- _fuck,_ Colt would do something stupid. He'd never agree to run away from his brother! There was no way, _no way_ this could end well. Y/N just didn't know what to do. _What could she do?!_

"Colt..." came from the Beast, voice as deep and horrifying as Y/N remembered it. "Your feelings towards your little brother... I understand them well."

Y/N could see the hope on Colt's face. "Mr Zeke..."

However, it all got crushed and replaced by complete and utter terror when Zeke said, "that's why it's a pity."

He screamed. 

"Colt!" Y/N yelled, tears pooling in her eyes as she tightly embraced Gabi, fearing she'd run towards the brothers. 

She wanted to look away. She had to look away. Y/N knew, she knew that it would come to this, that it would all go wrong, that Falco would turn into a Titan and that Colt would do something stupid, just like he always did, but-

"It's okay, Falco! Your big brother will always be with you!"

Y/N took a shaky breath and sobbed. She sobbed and she sobbed and she wept as she watched her dearest lover cry into his brother's hair- and Colt looked at her, one last time, and his eyes were teary, his brows knitted, and he was mouthing something, something she couldn't understand because her vision was so blurry, and her ears felt stuffy and she couldn't hear anything-

-and then came an explosion. 

She awoke with a groan. Her head was throbbing, likely from falling to the ground. Though, that didn't matter now. Where was Reiner? Zeke, Porco... what'd happened to them? 

Y/N could hear Gabi's quiet cries right next to her. Falco was nowhere to be seen. Had he already transformed? If he had, then that meant... 

"Gabi, is Colt..?"

It's not that she had hope, really. Y/N knew better than to dream. 

Gabi only pointed at a body lying nearby, and Y/N didn't have to go far to realize it was the body of her dearest lover. 

It felt like all the oxygen had been forced out of her lungs. Like someone had their hands wrapped around her neck, at all times, and she couldn't breathe. It hurt. Looking at him, at her precious Colt- no, at his _remains._ There was nothing left of him that could prove that, indeed, the person lying on the ground was Colt Grice, a Warrior candidate, successor to the Beast Titan. His face, the face that she used to kiss on the most silent evenings was nothing but ash and bones. The sturdy chest that she used to lie on, the arms that used to hold her, everything was gone. 

Colt was gone. What lied on the ground was merely a broken shell of the man she had kept living for. 

He left her. He left her without batting an eye, he broke his promise, he betrayed her. As Y/N fell to her knees, she realized that, for the very first time in so long, she was _alone_ _._ From the very beginning, she had Colt to depend on, to trust, to hold- but now he was gone and she was left to survive in this cruel, dark world. 

When was the last time she felt so scared? When was the last time Y/N felt like her sanity was slipping away from her? Colt kept her going. He made her feel okay in a place where people like her had nothing to live for. He was her savior, her guardian angel, her _everything._ He loved her more than her family ever did, Hell, they only ever thought of her as a tool to make them honorary Marleyans- Colt was the only person who truly cared, but now he was _dead._ Gone and to never come back. 

"Damn it!" Y/N screamed, her voice cracking, fists hitting the ground again and again until the pain in her hands became unbearable. Her sadness grew into anger, and she was furious - furious because he left her all alone. Furious because he broke his promise, because he didn't say a single fucking word before dying, because he didn't care enough to at least tell her goodbye. The tears kept coming, they kept coming and she could taste them as they streamed down her cheeks. "You promised! You promised me! You piece of..!"

She didn't know what hurt more - the fact that he was dead or that he willingly chose to leave her behind. 

Colt was a fortunate man, for Y/N could never be mad at him for long, no matter what; her anger died down just as quickly as it appeared. Y/N closed her eyes, "I told you it was a bad idea... why didn't you listen to me?"

Y/N knew he couldn't hear a word she said. She was fully aware that he wasn't really there, unlike what everyone told her whenever someone passed away; _they'll always be watching over you,_ they said. But Y/N knew Colt wasn't watching. He was far away, somewhere he could finally be at peace. Perhaps he was happier now. Maybe he'd even regretted not running away?

Even still, Y/N raised her head to glance at his body once more. _W_ _hat now?_ She wanted to ask, but the words just wouldn't come out. _Do I just keep living now, Colt?_

She didn't tear her eyes off him for a single moment. At that point, it didn't even hurt to look at him, at his burnt and dismembered body. Had she finally lost it? Had Y/N lost her ability to feel? She felt as though someone had torn her heart out and ripped it apart. As if her soul was actually far away, with Colt, somewhere... in their dream home, perhaps. 

It was too late to think about that now. All those thoughts, those regrets that kept spinning in her head, she had to get rid of them. Y/N had to keep living, after all. 

As the two ran off to search for their fellow Warrior candidate, Y/N couldn't help but to think about something; a question that would never get answered. 

_What was he trying to tell me in his last moment?_


End file.
